


Take Me to the River and Make Me Clean Again

by hamletmoonbathes



Series: Hotel Nights [1]
Category: Bastille (Band)
Genre: Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Pre-Relationship, Pre-Slash, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-01
Updated: 2019-09-01
Packaged: 2020-10-04 23:49:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,511
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20479505
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hamletmoonbathes/pseuds/hamletmoonbathes
Summary: The blade is cold when it touches his skin, and goosebumps start to appear on his arms. The sting of the first cut is always the worst - like the first drop of a roller coaster - but the body adjusts, and pain (or fear) soon turns into something else.Dan and Kyle share a hotel room on the road. Dan has issues he needs to deal with, and Kyle is there for him, like always.





	Take Me to the River and Make Me Clean Again

**Author's Note:**

> Title is from The River by Manchester Orchestra

Dan's hand is shaking as he moves the blade closer to his skin. He couldn't remember the last time he did this - not because it was so long ago, but he usually isn't fully _there_ when this happens. By the look of the cuts on his arms, pink and raised but healed over, it wasn't that long ago. Right now he's sitting on the floor of the hotel-of-the-week bathroom with his back against the bathtub, dressed only in his boxers with his legs folded. Honestly he only came in here to shower and brush his teeth. It had been a long day and he had a little time to himself before Kyle returned. He doesn't know why he keeps rooming with Kyle, when things like this are bound to happen, but him and Kyle have been sharing a room on the road for so long it would be hard to change that now. Dan wonders why he didn't go with the boys to the hotel restaurant, knowing that if he did, he wouldn't be where he is right now. _But you know, _he's not a quitter, so he might as well go through with it. 

The blade is cold when it first touches his skin, and goosebumps start to appear on his arms. The sting of the first cut is always the worst - like the first drop of a roller coaster - but the body adjusts, and pain (or fear) soon turns into something else.

Dan exhales at the sight of the first few drops of blood. This is his favorite part. The slow gush of blood, warm, almost warming up his whole body. The blood drips around his forearm and he goes back in again. Two more clean cuts next to the first, about halfway up his arm, and then his hands are shaking too much to continue. He places the box knife (his blade of choice) on the lip of the bath and closes his eyes. He'll have to return the knife to the roadies' toolbox before anyone notices it's gone, but for now he just takes a few quick breaths and rubs his hand tiredly over his face. Hot tears are leaking from his eyes at this point and he wipes them away with anger. He hates that this makes him cry. Wishes he could just _take it and grow up for once. _

The cuts at this point are clotting nicely and there are only a few drops of blood on the floor and his legs. _That's good, _he thinks, _easy clean up. _

The singer stays on the ground for a little while longer, drifting in and out of sleep, drowsy from the emotions that come along with _this. _He then stands up and turns the faucet of the bathtub on, flipping the drain stop so the tub fills up with water. Dan adjusts the water to burning hot, enough to make him feel something, and strips his boxers. He opens the small hotel bottle of shampoo and starts to pour it under the running water. It's not bubble bath, but it will foam and hide his body in the water. He doesn't like to look at his naked body, especially not so up close and personal.

His hands are still shaking slightly as he grabs a nearby washcloth and wipes the drops of blood off the floor, along with the smear of blood on his leg. He thoroughly cleans the box cutter, rinsing it in the sink and double checking it for blood, before he sets it on the counter to bring back later to his duffel bag. He picks up the blood stained washcloth again and scrubs at the cuts on his arm, snagging the dried blood and reopening a recently closed cut. He slows down a bit and makes sure all the blood is off his arm, leaving just the fresh cuts behind. He gets in the bath and it's too hot, almost painful, but he sinks down to his shoulders and focuses on the heat for just a bit. The cheap shampoo is too strong smelling and his head quickly starts to ache.

Dan lays there silently, just looking at the sparse droplets of water dripping from the faucet. He probably should have eaten as the shaking continues through his hands, but between the heat and the smell, and the shame of what he's been doing, his stomach is not in a state to accept any food. He closes his eyes and leans his head back, breath evening out as he starts to fall asleep. A thought crosses his mind that it's probably not the smartest idea in the world to fall asleep in a bathtub full of water, but he's too tired to really care right now. Sleep is finally coming easily and he'd be a fool not to be thankful. 

************************************************

"Dan, babes, are you in there?" 

Dan jolts awake at the sound of Kyle's voice. He hears Kyle knock quickly on the door and then he sees the doorknob jiggle. _Thankfully it's locked, _Dan thinks, as he rises out of the now lukewarm water. 

"Y-yeah, I'm in here" Dan says, "Sorry, I was just taking a bath, I must have fallen asleep." He gets out of the bath and wraps a towel around his waist before flipping the drain stop and the water slowly flows. 

"Are you okay, Dan? You shouldn't be sleeping in the bath, that's not really safe," he hears Kyle say on the other side of the bathroom door.

"Yes, Kyle, I'm fine," he says, looking at his arms to make sure none of the cuts had reopened. Quickly drying off and pulling his boxers back on, he curses himself for not bringing clothes in here with him. He doesn't want to walk around Kyle so under dressed, a concern he knows Kyle does not share.

Dan knows Kyle is still out standing outside the door, the worrier he is, so he moves over and slowly unlocks the door. The singer cracks the door just enough to see Kyle's face scrunched up in worry. Dan makes brief eye contact with his band mate before quickly moving his eyes down and looking at the door handle. 

"Kyle, will you please bring me my bag from the bed? I just want to get dressed and take my contacts out, and them I'll free the bathroom for you." Dan knows his voice is quiet and definitely shaking, but he knows Kyle won't see a problem in helping him. The pianist looks at Dan for a few seconds before nodding and turning away. Dan rests his heavy head on the door, waiting. Kyle returns with his duffel bag, and the door opens just enough to squeeze it through. Dan quickly presses the bag to his chest, hiding his naked upper body from view. Kyle still has his hand on the strap, "Let me know if you need anything else, alright Babe?" he says, gently letting go of the handle. 

Dan pulls back and shuts the door, locking it once again. He knows he's not being the most well mannered, and it makes him slightly ill. "Thanks, Ky, I'll be out in a few." he says, a little loudly so Kyle will hear and get the hint to leave him alone for a bit. 

Quickly Dan dresses and takes out his contacts. He rummages around his bag for his glasses and places them on his face. Wiping the remaining steam from the mirror, he looks at himself. _Yeah,_ he definitely looks like he's been crying, _great. _He grabs his phone from his bag and checks the time, "Christ,' Dan whispers, realizing he's been locked in the small bathroom for hours. He tucks the box knife in his duffel and finally opens the door, feeling the chill of the hotel room. 

Kyle is sitting on the edge of the bed closest to the door looking at his phone. He glances up at Dan, "Alright?" he says, giving Dan that worried scrunch again. Dan nods quickly, not wanting to talk, and his head protests the sharp movements. Dan moves over to the other bed and crawls to the middle, tucking his knees ups and hiding his face away in the small space. He hears Kyle get up from the bed with a groan and give a stretch. Dan peeks up at him and sees his band mate walking towards him. 

"Did you eat?" Kyle asks, sitting softly on the side of Dan's mattress. 

"No, I feel a little sick to my stomach." Dan replies, tucking his face away again. He knows he uses that excuse far too often with Kyle, and he is pretty sure what Kyle is going to say next. 

He feels Kyle's hand wrap around his ankle, thumb gently moving up and down. "Babes, you need to eat, even if it's something small." Kyle says, rising from the bed and walking over to his bag. Dan watches as he grabs a green apple from the front pocket and snags his purple water bottle off the desk against the far wall. He walks back over to the bed, and sets the items in front of Dan near his feet. Kyle then moves towards the top of the bed, getting in behind Dan. He leans back on the headboard and stretches out his legs on either side of Dan, his calves just barely touching the singer's sides. 

Dan is used to this kind of intimacy with Kyle, knows both his band mate and him are quite tactile people. There seems to be an unspoken, though not unwelcome agreement between the two that this type of closeness is part of their relationship. Although both are very okay with it, they tend to keep it just between them, a little secret shared.

Dan picks the apple up and takes a small bite, his mouth instantly watering. _Yeah, _he thinks, _I am hungry. _He's thankful that Kyle seems to always be there for him when he gets like this, always making him eat and keeping an eye out.

He hears Kyle shift and then he feels warm hands on his back. First just resting there softly before Kyle slowly rubs his way up Dan's back to his shoulders, tight with the tension Dan seems to always carry. He works carefully on the knots on Dan's back and neck, firm but caring, and Dan feels his body start to warm up, the chill from the hotel room long gone. He gives a small whimper when Kyle presses hard on his right shoulder, working on a particularly resistant knot before smoothing his hands over Dan's back. He feels Kyle shuffle closer to him, his thighs now tight against Dan's sides and his chest hot on his now relaxed back. Kyle rests his hands on Dan's hips lightly before he leans forward to press a kiss on the back of his neck. It's soft and quick, but Dan feels familiar goosebumps start to rise. 

Kyle rests his chin on the other's shoulder. "Finish your apple," he whispers, giving Dan's hips a squeeze before pulling his leg over and getting off the bed. "I'm gonna go shower and change real quick, you'll be alright?" Kyle asks, placing his warm hand on Dan's cheek. Dan nods, again not wanting to speak. Kyle nods back at him, giving him a small smile, before grabbing a change of clothes out of his suitcase and disappearing into the bathroom. 

Dan eats the rest of his apple and drinks about half the bottle of water before his stomach feels full and refuses to accept more. He rises from the bed and throws the apple core away in the small hotel trashcan before searching around for his phone. He finds it sitting on the nightstand between the two beds, charging - Kyle again taking care of him - and he clears his notifications and sets his alarm for the morning. It's a five in the morning wake up for them, another long day, and Dan wonders when it will all just be too much for him to handle. He has a feeling the moment is approaching. The thought brings a tight feeling to his throat and he lays back down and waits for Kyle to come back out. 

Dan feels himself start to drift to sleep until he hears Kyle walk out of the bathroom and immediately run into the desk while putting his stuff away. "Shit!", he hears Kyle say, followed by a whispered "Sorry," to Dan, looking over to the man laying on the bed. 

"You alright there, Babes?" Dan mumbles, voice deep with sleep. 

"Oh yeah, all good," Kyle replies, "Just clumsy, but you know that."

Dan smiles,_ yeah, he certainly does know. _He knows everything about Kyle, and the thought makes him warm again. 

The singer watches Kyle as he plugs in his phone to charge next to Dan's and turns off the lamp on the nightstand. Only the light from the hotel sign outside their window remains in the room, softly illuminating Kyle's face. He thinks Kyle is about to tuck down in his own bed when he grabs the top of the comforter, but he watches as his friend strips the bed of the top blanket and softly sets it on Dan, who was currently laying on top of his own covers. Kyle moves to the opposite side of the bed and Dan feels a dip in the mattress as Kyle gets in and tucks in close to his back. Dan gives a sharp inhale, surprised at how much he desires this type of closeness. The comfort. 

"It's cold, ya know...this is okay with you, right?" Kyle whispers, so close his breath is hot on Dan's neck. 

"Yeah," Dan answers, smiling "I can suffer through for the night."

He hears Kyle laugh behind him, "Shut up, Dan, go to sleep, baby." Kyle lifts his arm and wraps it around Dan's middle, somehow getting even closer. Dan closes his eyes as a feeling stirs in his stomach that he most definitely wants to feel forever. Kyle grabs his friend's hand and squeezes before moving up and wrapping his fingers around Dan's wrist. Dan is wearing a long sleeve shirt, so Kyle isn't touching his cuts, but his hand is hot on them through the sleeve nonetheless. Dan knows that Kyle knows. Knows Kyle has had his suspicions for a while, always checking in on Dan's mental health. He thinks Kyle is just waiting for Dan to bring it up before it gets too bad, but this act of holding his arm almost feels like the start of a conversation. Dan decides to put that in the queue for another day, for now holding onto the feeling of comfort from Kyle for the night, and (hopefully) many nights to come. 

Dan feels another soft kiss on his neck, held longer this time, before Kyle nuzzles closer and they drift into sleep. 

***********************************

"Oh my god, make me clean again, and oh my god, let me see again"

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading!
> 
> Long Live Bastille


End file.
